I think I've said all I have to say...

It's been awhile but I'm back. Hooray! I'm not sure where I want to go with this one but sometimes when you can't speak out loud writing will help get out the words you want to say. I think the title of this one should be "life" but it's such a big word with more meaning and undertones then a simple blog could express. I've been working on it for awhile so brace yourself boys and girls this one may be a smidge sappy (yes, I know totally unlike me:))

I wonder sometimes if I went left down the road instead of right. What path would the other way have taken? I wonder what really matters when all is said and done. I've been thinking lately, mainly about life. It's been made painfully clear the last few years just how fragile and short this time on earth we have. Losing people has never made sense to me, whether they go home to Jesus, they walk out or simply drift away... one thing I know is that it hurts and healing is one of life's big mysteries. When the world spins so fast how do I hold on? Do I turn to Jesus and pray for answers? I haven't always, but I'm learning how to seek him when I need him and even more in times when I don't really want to need him. The beautiful part is that I don't have to ask for him to love me, he already does. He has my precious life and heart in his hands. I've seen what God can do, I've seen him answer prayers, I see the pretty stars he puts in the sky each night and I see him put people in my life that I couldn't do without. It really is all in his hands, forever. He answers my prayers, not always with the answer I necessarily would have chosen but he answers them, always. He's answered hopeless dreams of mine, and said no to plenty others.

God gave us all one life here, he promised a life beyond what I can imagine once my work here is done. I want to make the very most of life here. It isn't about the small stuff, it's about what really matters. Love. Love isn't perfect, it's a crazy ride that is hard work. I wouldn't want it any other way. I want to compromise and make my life with someone better then it would be without them. I never want to look back and think, I didn't try hard enough. I want to see beauty in the eyes of the ones looking at me. It's not about having a perfect life, not every detail matters when all is said and done.

I want to hold on so tightly to the ones I love and I want them to see me for the beautiful lady God specially made. I'm not perfect and I don't belong on a pedestal. God didn't make me perfect and he certainly doesn't put me on a pedestal. I want to be in a place where I am seen for the person I am. I've failed at a lot of things in my life, but I am most proud of the parts that I've succeeded at. I never want my life to be easy, I want to be challenged. I want to love with my whole heart and see people for who they really are. In exchange I want to be adored and loved, at the end of the day it doesn't seem like it's a big request.

I want to become one of those people who takes life and embraces it. No, I want to grab it, tightly and hold on for dear life. I want to see the good in people, always. I will be a person who listens and then speaks. When God speaks I will listen and try my best to remember. I want to love wholeheartedly the people God has blessed me with. I want to trust in his plan for me, I really do. Why is it that trust is one of the hardest things to do?

I have an amazing family who love me because they want to and not because they have to. They aren't offended by my honesty and opinions (and if they are they haven't told me!). They stand by me no matter what road I choose to walk down. They see me for the beauty in which God created me to be. The friends that I have been so blessed to be around continue to amaze me with their kind words, encouragement and support in every crazy choice I've made. I value their honesty, as telling me the truth is the way to my heart. I love that they have families, they have all turned into beautiful mothers with children that can only be described as a precious gifts from God. I will forever be grateful to be part of a circle of women who continue to make me strive for a small piece of the lives they've created.

When all is said and done I want a life full of love, beauty, hardships, happiness, laughter and trust. And I believe it's in my hands to grab onto the life God has for me to make happen.

I love my life, all of it. But yet I still want more...

The "Love" Day

And my thoughts about it. I've never been one to be "in love" with Valentine's Day, I've had some great ones and some not so great ones. I've found the one that I enjoyed the most happened to be the worst (Don't worry it doesn't have to make sense to you). It started out wonderful and ended in a fight with tears everything the day of love should be right?! I loved the person that I shared that day with and when I look back into my memories it is one of my favorite memories. No I'm not going to share it with you, there are somethings meant to be tucked in my heart only. But now we come to the present... I am 30 years old, single and quite honestly I've never been happier. I've got friends married with kids and I'm happy for them but I'm also thankful that portion of my life hasn't started quite yet but I do look forward to it.

On to my feelings about Valentine's Day...I think it's "great" there is one day a year where people are "forced" into buying you overpriced flowers, candy, and cheesy Hallmark cards and restaurants that are over crowded... really I do. I've been told that for some people it's a much needed day, and I totally respect that it's just not for me. I don't need to have a day when it's likely my expectations won't be met. And should anyone decide to do something lovely for me I will be touched, really I will be and quite frankly shocked:) What I'd love more then anything is for you tell me you love me everyday, give me flowers when you've heard I've had a bad day and candy because you thought I'd enjoy it. It doesn't have to be on February 14th, it could be April 1st, June 7th, September 17th any day pick one or pick them all it doesn't matter as long as you love me every day.

This is my wish for a "perfect" Valentine's Day someday... write your own card, give me yellow roses, hug me a little bit longer then you normally would, tell me you love me and that's it. Seriously that's it, no pressure no confusion as much as I want the one in my life to believe I'm complicated (and I know I am sometimes) there are some parts of me that are easier then you might expect.

Some might call me bitter, jaded or lonely...trust me when I say I'm none of those. I am happy to be around people who care about me, I love having old friends back in the picture and I love the ones who have been around for as long as I can remember. And so on February 14, 2010 I hope to be surprised by someone special in my life,but I will not be broken if the day goes by with nothing... I can always count on my Dad to be my Valentine!