Writing funny takes time...

Ahhh blogging it's tougher then it looks. I sort of wish I could just take all my facebook status updates and make it into a blog. That would be convenient... seriously, my facebook status updates are pretty entertaining and up to date! So I need more time to write up my funny life stories... in the meantime kids I give you the best email EVER. Seriously, these will cause you to cry from laughing so hard... and while most of you can imagine me thinking then saying almost all of these sadly they aren't mine but it brought me great joy reading them again... enjoy!

• I wish Google Maps (tom tom, etc) had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards"again.

• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

• There is a great need for sarcasm font.

• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

• Was learning cursive really necessary?

• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Bad decisions make good stories.

• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

• Is it just me or do high school girls get trashier every year?

• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

• I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

The one with the walker and life...

So this last week has been a little drab, uneventful and that's what I needed after the last two weeks. But I do have some funny stories as always... let's see I'll start with Sunday night the fam, my Dad, my Mom and I all go every Sunday night to Grandma's house in La Jolla. We love it, once a week just hanging out, chatting, drinking tea and eating animal crackers while Dad watches 60 Minutes. One thing missing is Amy, but we talk about her enough it's like she's there. Well this last Sunday, as always Grandma orders food from the kitchen downstairs. She always has way too much food, never room in the fridge, I don't eat anything because I'm a "picky eater", but Mom and Dad do but they certainly don't go for the food. It's just Grandma is just such a hostess at heart she doesn't know how do to anything else. So anyway the kitchen was short staffed, so I jokingly asked if she wanted me to go down and help in the kitchen, I was caught off guard when she said "yes, that would be lovely". What she meant was she needed me to go down and pick up the trays of food. I laughed then said "I'd be happy to". She called informed them her beautiful granddaughter (she's so good for my self esteem) would be right down. She was told there was 2 trays, and I might need help. I said don't worry Grandma I got this, I shouted to Mom "Hey, wanna come help me"? She just looked at me, until Grandma offered her walker. You know the one old folks use to get around that have a seat and baskets pretty fancy stuff. Well this peaked Mom's interest, I laughed hysterically because me pushing a walker in an old folks home is just funny. I politely declined the walker, dragged Mom to help me with ALL the food for just 3 people mind you. Down the elevator we went, giggling about "the walker", I kindly told Mom that at some point I would be responsible for picking out her very own walker:) She told me to stop making her laugh, as it causes her to cross her legs in order to prevent "an accident". Depends anyone?:) We get to the dining room, to find 2 itty bitty bags of food... 2 ITTY BITTY BAGS of food. I could have picked it up ALL this food in the dark, one handed, backwards in my sleep. Oh Grandma... she's a funny wonderful over prepared worrisome lady whom I absolutely adore. I love our Sunday nights with her, my family means everything to me and gets me ready for the week ahead. I wish everyone could know my Grandma she truly is the light of our world, the stories she tells, the way she falls asleep in the middle of stories and dinner, the way she talks about my Grandpa who she loved with all her heart, her need to make sure her family has everything before she does. Over the years she's let me learn from her, I now make sure she has what the family and she needs. She's passed the hostess with the mostess torch on to me and I love her for it.

After the surprise run in from last week...I took a mental health day and gathered all my strength to face the past, it's amazing what the waves and sand at Coronado can do for your spirit. I let myself make peace, fondly remember the past that I blocked out a year and a half ago, I will not be scared, I will not be sad, I will remember my past, I will lovingly and gently put it in my present to become the person I want to be. I will always think of my friend, I miss her all the time, so many things everyday remind me of how much I love her. I hope to honor my promise to her someday... I was told by someone amazing that you can never say never. For now my socks are on:) I don't know what my future holds, but for the first time in a long time my hope and faith have been restored.

The rest of the week was just OK, I went to Jazz... I am no longer human I'm a dancer. I love it. I got checked out twice by 2 different very east county big truck john deer sticker toting guys. At this point I'll take what I can get. Also saw two police men... two very good looking east county police men. I might change my opinion of east county.... naw not likely:) Edward Cullen came to town, he didn't call but I understand he was busy. My dishwasher didn't leak, and the a/c has been working like a trooper. I didn't have any bugs to kill with 409 or Readers Digest. I started reading a book, "The Hello Girl" it's a good read. Next I'm starting "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle", Oprah selected it. So it must be good. There is nothing good on TV, nothing... good thing I like to read.

That's all for this time kids, next week should be more lighthearted...

God is great, beer is good and people are crazy...

July July July why do you hate me?

Most of my July's that I can remember have been pretty uneventful, fun even I'm sure... however July 2009 has it out for me. No particular reason I'm just pretty sure it hates me, I'm lovable in a good cheerful happy go lucky mood most of the time.

Just a glimpse into my July, I've been going to Jazz now no not as much as I should but for Pete's sake give me a break it's in El Cajon and it's July!!! Anywhere east of Mission Valley is miserable this time of year now I'd like to see you all get your sports bra on (Surely I will write a blog about this at some point, because putting the thing on is a workout in itself) put your cute Jazzersize outfit on. Black workout pants = check, sports bra = check, cute pink tank top = check, socks = ugh I hate socks, and then the cute pink Nike's = check and drive yourself out to El Cajon at 5 p.m. every day and see how well you do! But I go, cursing all the way there and leave feeling far better then when I got there;)

Amy and I got Dad a kitten as a late Father's Day gift, boy oh boy did that not turn out well at all... side note anyone want a lovable precious kitten? He just couldn't take her, Amy can't, Emma said Hell to the NO and Bill said pretty much the same thing when Mom brought it up.

They changed my pay schedule at work and nearly caused me to file for bankruptcy, stupid mortgage company won't accept baked goods as payment believe me I've tried.

My dishwasher was leaking, like I got up in the morning went to get my coffee and stepped in a huge puddle of water, as in a beach towel soaked it up kind of puddle. Still don't know what's wrong with it but Dad and his handy man to the rescue.

A friend had a birthday recently so I thought I'll take her to lunch at our favorite place as in I could have it more then once a week place. I was sitting there eating my delish sandwich listening to her tell me all about the house she's buying, well I tried I don't understand I keep saying to her I really should have paid better attention when buying my condo. When I look up and see a very familiar face that I haven't seen in years, the color drained from my face because my friend asked me if I was OK... I wasn't prepared for the face I saw looking at me. It's been years, and I'd done pretty well at the not running into part until the other day. God really must have a sense of humor... I mean his sides had to have been splitting. I forgot how to speak, as close to mute as one can get without being rude. We both acknowledge it's been a long time and the awkwardness of it all, which lightened it up. Honestly, it was good to see this old face, as I've missed it... but I don't like surprises... remember that write it down I don't like surprises.

My week wasn't all traumatic and full of surprises there were some good parts... I got to see my friend Emily who kindly told me that she would like the funny happy Erica back and made my hair look beautiful while she said it.

I successfully killed a bee that managed to make it into my bathroom, swatted that bad boy with Readers Digest.

I found a cute dress that I haven't seen since last summer, tried it on and it fit!

Work let us out early today I think I heard angels sing.

I have air conditioning, and I'd like to give a shout out to the baby Jesus for it.

So there you have it kids I could go on and on about July but I've found my happy, funny, cheerful place again... so welcome the delightful Erica you know and love back because she's going to stick around for awhile... till next time:)

God is great beer is good and people are crazy!!!!

FINALLY...

Here I am! I know I know I've talked about this forever you all want "Erica" stories since even in the worst situation I can somehow make the story laughable:) So here it is... I can't and won't be making promises to keep this updated seeing as updating my facebook status,changing light bulbs, killing spiders with 409 consume most of my time but I promise to try. So welcome to my world of stories, some to be happy others might be sad but either way I say most everything out of love and of my own "Erica" opinion, so laugh with me, cry with me and tell you friends about me but most of all enjoy!